On Criticism
In Louise Hays’ book ‘Heal Your Body’ she talks about psoriasis:
Probable Cause
“Fear of being hurt. Deadening the senses of the self. Refusing to accept responsibility for our own feelings.”
Psoriasis is an itchy, irritating condition of the skin. I scratch and pick at them. This picking has become a habit. I came to realize that I am picking on myself. My mom used to pick on me or criticize me. I always felt that my mom’s actions reflected something about her. I read several self-help books, one of them was I’m OK-You’re OK, by Thomas A. Harris. I concluded that my mom was manic-depressive or bipolar. I saw mood swings from happiness to rage. I came to realize that my mom had been terribly hurt sometime in her life, and she was afraid of being hurt again. Her words pushed people away, keeping them at a safe distance where she believed that hurt could no longer happen. This was her way of protecting herself.
My mom’s words were very hurtful to me. I now understand that my mom wanted me to be afraid of being hurt. I am sensitive to words and have spent most of my life being affected by people’s words. There were times I would feel negative hurtful energy of words and become afraid. It’s all I knew and believed that’s what I deserved. When I tried standing up for myself and let people know that their words hurt me. Some would say, “I was only kidding or being sarcastic.” This was their way of defecting and not taking responsibility for their own words.
The energy of words still affects me. I am now able to separate myself from the energy of the words and know it’s not all me. This is where healing begins!
My psoriasis started when I had thoughts of not being intelligent or capable enough to run a national non-profit organization. I began picking on or criticizing myself. My thoughts became words, and these words were put into action when the board of directors fired me. When this occurred, I felt I no longer had a purpose, I was hurt and believed that I could not follow my passion of helping others. I had created something so beautiful, why did it have to go away? At that time, I believed my life was over. I didn’t know how to take responsibility for my feelings. I was given anti-anxiety medication and lived in a fog for about a week.
I continued to feel an intense need to help others and believed I knew how. I became employed with a non-profit school for children with learning disabilities, that didn’t work. I shut down and deadened myself. I then decided to go back into logistics. I am Licensed Customs Broker and Certificated Logistics Coordinator and pursued that profession in my 20’s. That didn’t work either.
New Though Pattern
“I am alive to the joys of living. I deserve and accept the very best in life. I love and approve of myself.”
Psoriasis improves at times and then comes back to remind me of the importance of connecting to my feelings. This process of healing from psoriasis has taken many years. I often wonder; when will this all be done?”
I have come to understand, that while I am in physical form on earth, it will never been done, and lessons will always be learned.
I know my true souls’ purpose is helping and serving others. I love the joy of creating something that has never been there before. I love making connections and establishing my tribe. For that is what I am now doing. I am loving this process and loving myself more each day. I am deserving of the life that I am creating and love this path I am walking on.
